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Holiday Suggestion Box

Dear Family Matriarchs,

In an effort to streamline the Obligatory Holiday Gathering Activities this year, here is our suggestion:

You decide what you want to do, and then let us know. Like faithful, robotic minions, we will show up at the mandated time and location. We have finally learned the lesson you have each earnestly worked to teach us for the past decade, and that is this (you'll be so proud): OUR OPINION REGARDING WHAT WE DO WITH OUR TIME MEANS ABSOLUTELY NOTHING.

Now, we know there are many intricacies to this lesson, and that one of those intricacies is that our opinion will, in fact, be asked. This complex twist is one of the things that fooled us for so many years, and made it so difficult for us to really commit your lesson to memory, what with our crazy, non-passive-aggressive way of thinking and all. But now, now we finally get it. We apologize for making you expend all that extra energy every year for the past several years trying to pound into our brains that simply because you ASK our opinion doesn't actually mean it will be taken into consideration. What can we say? We're a little slow on the uptake. We get it now. Truly.

But, Matriarchs, we thought this year that we might make a suggestion regarding the holiday planning. You see, now that we understand and accept that we actually have no say in when and where the holiday gatherings will occur, we thought that maybe - just maybe - it would save you some time and energy to plan everything without actually going to the trouble of involving us. This way you will have more time to criticize our parenting skills and other major life choices without, well, US and our pesky opinions about our own holiday time getting in your way. We realize that this will disappointingly eliminate the traditional Awkward Silence after our unsatisfactory schedule suggestions, as well as the Repeated Matriarchal Suggestion Stated With More Authority And A Glare, not to mention the annual holiday favorite, our very special and perfected Give In And Go With The Original Matriarchal Suggestion Like The Spineless Wonders We Are. But every tradition should be re-evaluated every once in a while, right? And this one seems like a waste of time now that we are finally graduating from the University of Matriarchal Rule, with passive-aggressive honors.

Let us know where you want us this holiday season, and we'll be there. We’ll leave our opinions at the curb, since that’s where they ultimately end up anyway, under the shreds of wrapping paper, half-eaten candy canes, and our self-respect. Merry Christmas and congratulations on your hard-won success with your slow-learning family members. You've earned it, Matriarchs!