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I've been looking for things to say here tonight. Literally, I'm looking around the room and wracking my brain for something to write about other than what has been holding my thoughts hostage for the past few hours. I'm apparently pressuring myself not to be a negative nelly, which is odd, since I rebel against such pressure when it comes from any external source. But the only subject that would flow freely right now has to do with the same boring complaints I always fall back on in this forum - work/home balance frustrations, control struggles with the kids, self-loathing for not being more fun-loving and spontaneous or appreciative of these fleeting days. Bleh. After a while I get sick of thinking about it and I'm not sure writing about it ends up being the cathartic release I expect. I've started to suspect that all of my day in, day out analysis, guilt, and planning for better responses and more appreciation each "next time" that presents itself only serves to make me that much more self-critical as I go. I guess eventually one would just explode being under a self-imposed microscope like this, which is why occasionally in the middle of just such a group of overwhelming thoughts, I give up and drink wine in front of the TV. That's completely healthy, right? I'm sure it has nothing to do with any of the very issues that drive me to that state, like the fact that the issues are recurring or that I need to lose 15 or 20 pounds.