Mom, as you can see, some things NEVER change.

For the first time in a long time, a case of writer's block almost took over and ruined my chances at producing a decent Mother's Day tribute. When Kara first alerted some fellow bloggers about her idea, I was all, "Oh yeah! Count me in! Mother's Day tribute, here I come!" and then Kara got busy organizing all the blogunteers and I was in the *gulp* first group. The gulp in that last sentence was me swallowing my wine, which I use to dull the nightly cacophony of my kids' howls and growls during each failed attempt at a peaceful dinner -- and also it was me feeling some irrational, unexplained pressure to publish something outrageously outstanding. I even roped my poor brother into trying to work with me on the Mother's Day blog collaboration project, and the guy really stuck with me to the bitter, near-unproductive, anti-climactic end. Dealing with anyone else so flighty and insecure, Jonathan would have bid good riddance two sentences into the dialogue. But my brother is loyal and dedicated, and relishes any chance to flex his irony muscles (and also to ridicule his sister), so he endured my indecision and self-criticism for days during the most painful and almost barren creative process either of us had ever experienced. "How about we interview mom?" "How about we have mom interview us?" "How about we publish a series of e-mails discussing how to go about producing a tribute?" "Hey, I know! Let's use some of the ACTUAL e-mails we've written about this very thing!" "Wait, new idea. Let's act like Johnson and Boswell and write 18th century letters back and forth to each other, complete with period-sensitive spelling and phrases!" You think I'm exaggerating about that last part, don't you? Clearly, you don't know Jonathan and me very well. (And that draft will never be published. So spare yourself the pain: don't ask, unless you have millions of dollars you'd be willing to pay to read such contrived crap.) You can, however, read some snippets of all of those related chats and e-mails below, along with some fun facts and endearing traits about our Mom, who we love dearly, and who will probably be rolling her eyes at our apparent inability to grow up, already.*

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April 28, 2006 [chat]
Kristen: I agreed to be part of this mother's day blogger collaboration thing, and I'm one of the first in the lineup to write, which means I need to write something by May 3rd (which is next week, argh)...and I realized after I agreed to this that I apparently have nothing to say. LOL.

Jonathan: hahaaha- want a ghostwriter?

Kristen: maybe you could just help me brainstorm...there are no hard and fast rules, it is supposed to be an internet-wide "tribute" but it could funny, "snarky", deep, etc
I just had a thought
what if you and I did like an interview-style thing about mom
we could both post it it could be pretty funny

Jonathan: i'm down. are we interviewing each other, or mom?

Kristen: really? heh heh. this is much better than what I originally thought I'd end up with.

Jonathan: let's make mom interview us! hahhahaha

Kristen: oh wow! we should totally interview mom! maybe we should ask mom things like, name a time Jonathan totally embarrassed you. hahaha...that would get her talking! name a time Kristen made you want to pull your hair out due to her anal tendencies

Jonathan: hahhaaa- that's good. i'll work on questions, you do the same, and we'll trade off tomorrow..

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April 28, 2006
To: Jonathan
From: Kristen

Jonathan - how about these for questions?

1.) Remember that time you tried to sell Jonathan on the black market? Tell us a little more about that.
2.) Name a time Jonathan embarrassed you to the point of pretending he was someone else's kid.
3.) You know how Kristen was always so helpful and obedient? Talk a little about that.
4.) No, seriously. Kristen was always having to get Jonathan out of trouble, wasn't she?
5.) All the sibling rivalry was completely Jonathan's fault. Right?

Hahahahaha!

Since this IS a tribute, I guess we should make it less about us (imagine that! Narcissists talking about someone other than themselves!) and make sure we mention all the things we love about MOM, like how she has the classic "mom's house," fully stocked with all the foods we love, at all times, an open kitchen, day or night, how sociable and funny is - she pretty much gets along with everybody and puts up with all sorts of freaky characters we bring into her life. (Can we say "in-laws"? Hello.)

Make sure you get your questions/comments to me as soon as possible - this is due by May 3, you know, and I don't want to be late.


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April 29, 2006
To: Kristen
From: Jonathan

May 3- got it. I remember that from the first time we talked, too. Don't worry so much about it- we've still got like five days or so to work this all out. As you know, my "office" is a car, and so I don't really have all that much downtime to write emails and post blogs like you clearly do, hahaha! Ooh, but you just wait until self-driving cars come out. I'll be outblogging you in no time.

A thought: I'm sure we could get Mom to let us dredge up all the embarrassing/funny things out of her that she never talks about, like the time Cheyenne literally dragged her across Lake Shore Drive in the early morning snow, while we stared out of my bedroom window on the fifth floor and just laughed and laughed! Hahahahaha!

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April 30, 2006
To: Jonathan
From: Kristen

Oh! Thanks so much for rubbing it in my face about my "downtime" at work. Like I'm not already flogging myself for going through the pain and misery of changing jobs just to end up in another prison of boredom. Well, we can't all be as free to run the roads as you are, Jonathan. Some of us adults have what they call "responsiblities," even if they're not all that pleasant...now I know that "responsibility" is a dirty word to you, so I won't use it more than once, I mean I'll try to be RESPONSIBLE enough to avoid it. But the point is, I was setting a deadline as a reminder to you because I made a commitment, and I have...

RESPONSIBILITIES!

Oops. How'd that get in there? Sorry about that.

Now, back to something else we should somehow include in the tribute: Mom always appreciates the humor in a situation, even if she's distressed or disturbed about something. She can completely disagree with our philosophical stance and yet crack up at whatever irreverent joke you just made. Or at herself, as in the case of getting dragged face-first through the snow by a galumping, squirrel-crazy golden retriever.

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May 1, 2006
To: Kristen
From: Jonathan

Geez, I was just kidding about the not working thing, calm down! There's no reason to get so jumpy- I'm just trying to help. I have had no problems in my life, thusfar, in keeping up with "deadlines," (yeah, this mother's day collaboration sure is a big deal- much more important than my car payment and my real life. get a grip...) so I'm pretty sure I can handle this one, too. You know, this is not at all unlike the time we were at the beach in Florida with the church group when I had a broken arm. You got so mad when I didn't obey you about not getting in the ocean- not because you were concerned for my safety, but that you just wanted to control everything! I'm sure if it were up to you, Mom never would have given me that butterknife to shove down into my cast when it became so itchy (from... all the moisture- it's very humid in Florida!) because the DOCTOR said not to scratch it. You would do that, huh? Make a child with a broken arm suffer with horrendous itchiness just to prove a point! Wow. That's pretty intense.

You know, I just remembered that I wrote and recorded a song for Mom on Mother's Day four or five years ago- I'm not sure when, exactly. I don't even know what it sounded like. The only thing I remember about it is that the last line of the song was "And let us never speak of this again." And she never did. That's how she is. Respectful. And kind. Hmm... how very odd. Just makes me wonder about genetics, is all. No reason in particular.

Jonathan
P.S. I hope this communique falls into your highly structured "Response Time Regimen," or "RTR" as I call it. Quick, write back- now! There are only two days left! OH MY GOD!!

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May 1, 2006
To: Jonathan
From: Kristen

Oh, give me a break about the Florida trip!! You KNEW if Mom had been there, she wouldn't have let you get in the water, which is why you TOTALLY IGNORED ME with your little makeshift waterproof cover (i.e., a trash bag and some masking tape) when I tried to get you to stop. Nice try, but no. I was right, you were wrong. And I bet Mom would back me up, SO THERE. Also: some people (like Mom, for instance) like how structured I am, even if YOU don't.

Speaking of Mom, can we focus on the actual TRIBUTE for a second (since it IS due in two days, and apparently it will no longer be an interview with Mom but more of an interview with each other)?? I was thinking we should also talk about how Mom always did cool things like put authentic looking notes from the tooth fairy under our pillows every time we lost a tooth. I think we never questioned the tooth fairy's reality because those notes were so believable - and our tooth fairy even had a name! To this day, when I hear "tooth fairy," I think of "Gilderoy's" signature written in Mom's flowy, fancy hand-writing on those rectangular yellow slips of paper - folded neatly with our tooth money, of course. And the notes were always so long and personalized. I hope I'm not expected to live up to that standard. My kids will be lucky if I even tell them about the concept of the tooth fairy: "Tooth fairy? Who told you about that? Well, you can put your tooth under the pillow, but I'm pretty sure the tooth fairy is WAY TOO BUSY to make it to ALL the kids' houses with EVERY SINGLE TOOTH, I mean come on!. The population has really exploded, you know."

Yes, I'm sure I just gave you more ammunition for your Kristen attack with that one. Enjoy.

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May 2, 2006
From: Jonathan
To: Kristen

Who needs ammuniton?! Looks like you've already sunk your own ship with your own loose lips! No need to drag me into this... Besides, I'm not trying to formulate a "Kristen Attack," as you say. I'm trying to help you put together a fitting tribute to the woman that spent the last 30 or so years raising and supporting us, remember?! Or have you forgotten that this "tribute" is due TOMORROW? I hope you have a great time compiling all these happy memories and nostalgic reminiscences for this blog project- by yourself. Clearly, I am not up to par with the sheer professionalism that you direct your working and personal life with. I'll just send Mom a card and call her. See you at Christmas.

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May 3, 2006
From: Kristen
To: Jonathan

Geez, is this some sort of profound statement about adult siblings? We might as well be back in our yellow room with our matching farmyard quilts, fighting over who gets to be the clerk behind the desk (and by desk I mean dirty clothes hamper in our bedroom doorway) during our afternoon game of "store." As you once said, everybody's a child. I guess we've proven it.

It's a good thing we have Mom there to fill us up with chips and cookies and be nice to our freaky friends while we figure everything out.

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Happy Mother's Day, Mom. We have no idea how you survived our childhood. We really don't.

(At least not Kristen's. Love you, Mom! -Jonathan (the one whose blog you knew about...))

*No sibling relationships were harmed in the making of this completely (and painfully) fabricated exchange. And Mom? Seriously: Jonathan caused all the fights growing up, didn't he? That's what I thought. Little trouble-maker.