I used to analyze Henry James and Shakespeare. Now I do this. Help.

The kids have a CD with a recording of the old folk song "There's a Hole in the Bucket." It's become one of the songs that the kids obsess about and therefore I now hear it at least 15-20 times a week. When you hear a song this many times, you can really put a lot of thought into it. I've realized that I had never really paid much attention to the lyrics before, and man, was I missing out! At first, John and I laughed and laughed at dense, dull Henry, running to Liza with all of his little problems, completely incompetent in the ways of the world. And that spunky, clever Liza! With all of her quick answers and her seemingly endless supply of knowledge about buckets and straw and stones - ha, ha, ha! What a pair! Liza's the smart one, and Henry's the dumb, helpless one.

But the more I listen to it, I'm not so sure if it's as simple as that. Below are the lyrics separated by verse. Under each verse is my interpretation of the conversation between Henry and Liza. And I took some liberties with the last few verses.

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There's a hole in the bucket, dear Liza, dear Liza.

There's a hole in the bucket, dear Liza, a hole!

*Crap, Liza, my bucket has a hole in it!

Then mend it, dear Henry, dear Henry, dear Henry.

Then mend it, dear Henry, dear Henry, mend it.

*Sounds like a personal problem to me. Excuse me, but I'm on my way to Physics class.

With what shall I mend it, dear Liza, dear Liza?

With what shall I mend it, dear Liza, with what?

*Thanks for your brilliant insight, Liza...but exactly how helpful is it when someone tells you something is broken and you respond with "then fix it"?

With straw, dear Henry, dear Henry, dear Henry.

With straw, dear Henry, dear Henry, with straw.

*Well, honestly. How. Difficult. Is it, Henry?

The straw is too long, dear Liza, dear Liza.

The straw is too long, dear Liza, too long.

*Know it all. What do you say to THAT, Genius Girl?! The friggin' straw is too long.

Then cut it, dear Henry, dear Henry, dear Henry.

Then cut it, dear Henry, dear Henry, cut it.

*Here's what I say: You're an idiot.

With what shall I cut it, dear Liza, dear Liza?

With what shall I cut it, dear Liza, with what?

*Okay, Little Miss Physics Class, you want to play like that?

With a knife! dear Henry, dear Henry, dear Henry.

With a knife! dear Henry, dear Henry, A KNIFE.

*Oh yeah, let's play this thing out.

The knife is too blunt, dear Liza, dear Liza.

The knife is too blunt, dear Liza, too blunt. [shrugs]

*Okay, you cocky shrew! I could go all day.

Then sharpen it, dear Henry, dear Henry, dear Henry.

Then sharpen it, dear Henry, dear Henry, shar-pen-IT!

*Oh yeah, you scrawny little punk?

With what shall I sharpen it, dear Liza, dear Liza?

With what shall I sharpen it, dear Liza, with what?

*Bloody hell yeah. I'm just getting started.

WITH A STONE, dear Henry, dear Henry, DEAR Henry.

With a stone, dear Henry, dear Henry. {SIGH} A STONE.

*You know I'm going to mop the floor with you, don't you?

The stone is too dry, dear Liza, dear Liza.

The stone is too dry, dear Liza, too dry.

*Heh heh. Just wait.

Then WET IT!, dear Henry, dear Henry, dear Henry!!

Then wet it, dear Henry, dear Henry: Wetttt Itttt!

*Ohmygod youaredrivingmeinsane allIwanttodo isgettoPhysics.

With what shall I wet it, dear Liza, dear Liza?

With what shall I wet it, dear Liza, with what??

*Bwahaha! You suck!

Try water?! dear Henry, dear Henry, dear Henry.

Try water, dear Henry. Dear Henry, TRY WATER.

*I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you.

With what shall I get it, dear Liza, dear Liza?

With what shall I get it, dear Liza, with what?

*I am rubber and you are glue, you smug hag.

WITH A BUCKET! DEAR HENRY! DEAR HENRY! DEAR HENRY.

WITH A BUCKET! DEAR HENRY BEFORE I RIP YOUR HEAD OFF, A BUCKET.

But there's a hole in the BU-cket!, dear Liza, dear Liza.

There's a hole in the BU-cket, dear LIZA, A HOLE.

*Oh, snap! Who's the loser now, huh?! Back around to where we started, aren't we? Oh, Miss Physics is running away because she's a BIG LOSER! THAT'S RIGHT, LIZA, RUN AWAY!! Everybody thinks Liza's so smart, but look! My bucket still has a hole in it, doesn't it? Where's the Big Smart Liza now??