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The Letter I Wanted To Send (aka, "why John fakes amnesia whenever I interact with people")

Dear School Director,

Thank you for your letter telling us that you would greatly appreciate a small donation to your 6th major fundraiser this year. We hadn't caught on yet that what you were asking for was a Donation For A Fundraiser, a Fundraiser Donation, or More Money For Your School That Already Sucks Us Dry. We are stupid, see, and that's why we hadn't caught on. But you knew of our idiotic status as Pathetically Sub-Par Morons, didn't you? Because you were nice enough to send us an e-mail directly, addressing us by our first names, and oh-so-subtly mentioning our son's attendance at your school being "appreciated" just to make sure we would know exactly who you were (because we're idiots, and your name and e-mail address wouldn't have been obvious enough - PLUS, the mention of our child gave a lovely Godfatherish twist to the whole thing, didn't it? I mean, what could be more brilliant? Demanding money, instilling shame, and then throwing in the name of a loved one in your care every day, as if to say, "I hope you make the right decision. It would be awful if anything happened to your precious little boy.")

Gosh, if you hadn't sent that e-mail, I might have continued to be under the VERY FALSE IMPRESSION that contributing to this fundraiser was "voluntary." (I know. See? Idiots. We really are!) I mean, just because the cost of tuition already exceeds 10% of our income does not mean that we should be greedy, lazy parents who just IGNORE the additional needs of the school. Those needs obviously aren't being met yet, otherwise, why would you have the fundraiser? I see now. I don't know why I didn't catch on when the fundraiser was discussed at EVERY SINGLE school association meeting, in EVERY SINGLE school newsletter, in official-looking letters on expensive stationery being sent to our home -- oh wait. I do know why I didn't catch on! It's the whole "we're stupid" thing again, isn't it? Well, either way. Regardless of how many garage sales we have to have and extra kids around the house that we could clearly sell on the black market, for the love of god, we are committed to finding a way to give you what you so clearly need because NOW WE UNDERSTAND THAT YOU WANT MORE MONEY FROM US. We may be brainless, but damn if we're going to let a little thing like an empty bank account get in the way of a very important school fundraiser.

Besides, we don't want you to knock off our kid. You'll get your check tomorrow when we drop him off -- if we can figure out how to circumvent our mental retardation and drive to your establishment, that is.

Kristen and John
P.S. Please don't leave a bloody horse head on our doorstep.