Top Ten, Schmop Ten

Recently I read over the entries of the past several months and realized that I'm actually no busier now than I've ever been. I'm simply making different choices with my time, my energy, and my brain. There is so much to say but I'm choosing not to say it. I haven't yet determined why, but I think I'm trying to work something out; I think I'm expecting that one day I'll find myself "done" or "ready" and suddenly things will be clear, I will have only one well-lit path stretching before me, no tangled brush to slash through, no distracting wild creatures flapping around my head, no darkness or confusion stopping me in my tracks while I deliberate over the road that led me here.


I am several different Kristens despite my belief to the contrary. The dominant one is the one who thinks she shields the rest from failure, but in the process she also holds back alternate realities and darkens what might in other contexts be the most obvious paths. She has my best and worst qualities, and her strength has been unmatched. I think, though, that it's not unlimited; she tires and shakes with fatigue more frequently, and begins to know that there are others whose time is coming to light different paths and to make her finally lay down that comfortable, familiar shield.