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Phythithian'th Athithtant to the Anethethiologitht

My mom had her thyroid removed yesterday, so I went to visit her in the hospital. It must have been the morphine talking, but she was full of quips. And I guess everything she said seemed a lot funnier because she was lying in a hospital bed looking pretty frail, so I wasn't expecting any humerous conversation. She was also very groggy, asleep, then awake, then asleep. A couple of times I'd be talking to my stepdad about something work- or kid-related, and out of the blue from under 38 blankets and tangled in IV and bed control cords, she'd mumble something random like, "three. that's just beautiful" and we would just look at each other first with confusion, then with rolled eyes, then some awkward chuckles. During one of her more awake moments she said, "Oh! Did I tell you about the anesthesiolgy pre-op information? The PA had a severe lisp! 'Hello, I'm the Physician's Assistant to the Anesthesiologist'!! Geez, lady, why don't you pick a career with a few less "s"s in it??!! And she didn't even say 'PA,' she said 'Physician's Assistant'!!"

A few minutes later she was telling me that on top of her other random, mysterious health problems, she thinks that she now has vertigo (I foresee many jokes coming from this unfortunate condition). She said she'd done some research and talked to her dr. about it, and "apparently there are these...little calcium crystals? That break off and kind of float around in your inner ear?" I asked her what could be done about the random dizzy spells, and she said her doctor told her there was a medication if the spells became more frequent, and that in severe cases, there is a treatment where you are put in a machine that holds you upside down for hours. My mom was incredulous: "That is like a form of medieval torture! Why can't they just LASER the calcium crystals or something??!!"

I've never had a more entertaining visit to someone recovering from surgery. Maybe they'll give her some of that morphine to take home.